Bouncing Back

I hate the feeling of not being in control. The past 2 days are a perfect example of that. After I had my accident (see here) I couldn't get a hold of it and say Okay it happened now get over it. Instead, I ate. I ate my emotions away. Here a copy of what I had: (for accountability purposes)

Wednesday:
1 1/2 cups Oatmeal w/ 1 TBSP of brown sugar & 1 TBSP of almonds

2 cups of Spaghetti Squash
1 Chicken breast, grilled

3 cups Frozen Yogurt  (11 pts!!!)
1/2 Blueberries
1/2 cup of raspberries
1/4 cup of dried cranberries

1 Chicken breast, grilled
1 serving of Zucchini and Spaghetti Squash Lasagna


Thursday:
1cup Oatmeal w/ 1 TBSP of brown sugar & 1 TBSP of sunflower seeds
7 (estimate) Hershey's Kisses
1 Pumpkin Butterfinger (don't know how may pts, 10?)

1 1/2 cups of strawberries
2 cups of grapes
2 servings of Zucchini & Spaghetti Squash Lasagna  (with extra cheese)
10 pieces of Chettos Puffs

4 pieces of some meat my mom made
1 1/2 servings of Zucchini & Spaghetti Squash Lasagna
1 Taco with about 4oz of ground beef 80/20

I was amazed at how much junk I put into my body the past couple of days. I 'm sure that there is something in there that I missed. To be honest, I don't want to eat like that anymore. I've said this before, I used to lie to people that I had eaten already and would stuff myself with more food. I felt that way last night. I wanted to tell my boyfriend that I hadn't eaten as much as I had. I told him anyway.

I hadn't felt the feeling of being REALLY full in a few weeks. Wednesday and Thursday, I felt like this. I was feeding my body more food than it was asking me for. I caught myself looking at the cereal on top of the fridge looking for a quick fix of sweets. I didn't get any. Instead I poured a cold glass of water. I knew this would all be emotional but I didn't think I'd be crying so much! I've been behaving this way all my life. I remember days when I would eat as much as I could because I said I would start my diet on Monday. It was always, this is the Monday. Well, this is my Thursday to bounce back. I cannot let 2 days define my week or me!

=)

Out of Control

I am not sure what is wrong with me. After what happened yesterday I don't feel like myself.

On my way home yesterday, I stopped by Whole Foods. I felt the urge to go to the restroom but I figured I could wait. After that I went to pump gas.. as soon as I heard the pump start running I needed to pee NOW! I figured I could drive to Costco (maybe 40 ft) and run to their restroom. I wasn't able to. I went right there, sitting in the car. I tried so hard to control it, I was even squeezing my hands in the hopes that it would stop it. Nothing. It wouldn't stop. I drove home like that. I cried all the way there. What is wrong with me? Why couldn't I hold it. It happened to me once before but I didn't think much of it. Now I'm wondering why! Maybe I have some sort of infection that is preventing me from holding it. I have to admit though, I am guilty of holding it for long periods of time.

After I showered, I ate. I ate because I was sad. I ate because I felt like I couldn't control my situation. I ate because I COULD! After the binging I realized that it was pointless. I have worked hard to lose 12lbs and I'm throwing it all away. Same thing today. I can't get what happened out of my head. I want to eat. Not because I'm hungry but because I can. I feel anxious. I want to eat something. I haven't even been drinking water because I don't want an accident to happen at work.

 I can't do this to myself. Bitchcakes was right, this is a very emotional journey. I was in the honeymoon phase.

Week 7 Update

Started Sept 8th, 2010
Starting weight: 260.4
Weight as of Oct 25th, 2010: 248

After a good week of eating and exercising I stepped on the scale Monday at 6pm and I lost weight! I lost 4.4lbs! Wow! That's the most I've lost in a week. The Weightwatchers website said I lost too much and I need to slow down. It does seem like a lot of weight in just a week. All I can think I did difference was actually stick to a plan. Saturday and Sunday I had big meals but I save my points for dinner. I am excited, I am almost at my 5% goal -- 247!!!

I went to Old Navy on Saturday to look around. I am pleased to share that I now fit into an XL. For the past year or so I've been having to buy XXL. Anything that was XL fit too snug. =) I am wondering if I should have even bought anything. Either way, the thermal I purchased look good. I didn't feel too conscious of my belly showing. It's starting to go down! Same thing with work clothes. I am able to fit into work clothes that hasn't fit in a long time. I bought some brown pants months ago and unfortunately, they didn't fit. They do now! I don't want to be pleased with just that thought. I need to continue the fight... I want to be forced to buy smaller pant size! No more 18/20 for me... soon.

Today wasn't great food wise. I had oatmeal for breakfast and found out that almonds are really high in points! I didn't know this! I went to lunch with our District manager, security manager and a few other center managers... we had CHINESE FOOD! It was so delicious but I doubt that it was healthy... or clean for that matter.

my rock

I was afraid of telling my bf about my exposed post. I was pleasantly surprised when he hugged me and said he was proud of me. He knows how hard that was for me.

Exposed my way

I have been reading all these exposed blogs and at first I thought," I can't do this". How can I put this body out there for the world to see? It's now been about 2 weeks and I realized that I can't move on if I don't come to terms with my body.

                                                     

I started on Sept 8th, 2010 at 260.4. As of Oct 18th,2010 I weight 252.4. This is now. This will no longer be me-- Thank Tara for helping me see it this way). I was inspired by Tara to expose myself. I don't even show these type of pictures to my bf, they are usually strategically taken so my best angle is captured.

This is my body.

 It's not very fast right now but it will be.

I love my legs that look muscular even though they aren't.

I love that my butt is starting to not look like a flat board - thanks to exercise.

I love my arms that wrap around the people I love.

I love my belly for sticking with me through all the yo-yo diets.

I love my hands for making healthy meals for me to eat.

My biggest fear with this (weight loss,exposing myself) is that I am ashamed of what I've done to my body. I don't want people to look and say, Eww why did she do that? Yes, I'm naked. But guess what, I love my body right now.It's going through so many changes. I have to embrace my body and know that I was at the gym at 1am last night because I promised myself I would work out at least 5 times this week. Body, I am trying to make you better. I've abused you for 26 years and I think it's about time you are fit. I'm not showing too much in my naked picture-- my belly covers my privates :) I will be amazed the day I can stand in front of the mirror and say "hey there you are". This was hard. I can't tell you all how good it feels though. I feel FREED.

Thank you to all my friends that have been supportive & all my new friends on twitter. You are my inspiration. Check out www.eatingjourney.com. Mish is the lovely lady that started the exposed movement. Thank you Mish.

The Feeling of Giving Up

A few days ago, I considered quitting all together. I have been on this journey for 7 weeks now. The last time I had worked out was Sunday and it was now Tuesday. I was so tired from work and really didn't feel like dragging my ass to the gym. I thought, maybe I can just stop here. I've been fat all these years and my bf loves me no matter what size. The gym takes time out of my day. I spend anywhere from 1-2 hours working out. I don't have time to cook in the morning, I go to bed late trying to get things ready for the next day... funny thing is, these are all excuses. The same excuses I've used year after year that I would promise myself that this was the year.

Tuesday evening I was at the gym. My body was hurting. I could feel the difference even after just 2 days. My body is trying to adapt to exercise-- before this, I never exercised a day in my life.

I can make excuses all I want. This is something I want to do. I need to make a change in my life. I dont want to see a flight of stairs and not want to go up because I'll be out of breath. I want to be able to run a 5K (hopefully I will be able to do that in march; I signed up for a 5K). I want to have sex and not get so tired that I need to stop. I want to be less self-conscious when I'm naked. I won't even change in the locker room because I'm embarrassed. I'll go to the restroom and change there.

I know it will take time. Im just a little impatient lol. Now that I've started using weights I am not seeing the weight come off. It's frustrating. Everything will be okay. :)

Love, love, love, love, love , love ME!

I'm sick and tired of listening to 1800-GET-THIN on TV, radio and on billboards accross the city. I understand that there are some people that need this type of surgery to survive. I don't believe/agree in how they go about advertising it. Because I don't know much about it, I won't go much into it. I'd rather research my post and hold strong. I'm just annoyed with their slogans.

I found this online from the LA Time:

In the right hands the lap-band, also known as a gastric band, is an effective obesity treatment. A silicon ring that constricts the upper part of the stomach, it works by making patients feel full after only a small meal, so they'll stop eating. One study says patients can take off 50 to 70 pounds over two years.

But medical guidelines endorsed by the National Institutes of Health say the prime candidates for the lap-band are morbidly obese patients, defined as those with a body mass index -- a comparison of weight and height -- of 40 and above. (A 5-foot-10 person would register a 40 BMI at 279 pounds, or about 100 pounds overweight.) Patients with a BMI of 35 (244 pounds for our 5-10 subject) would be candidates if they also had weight-related conditions such as diabetes.

The 16 point Sandwich

This morning I knew that I would have to buy lunch-- My Managing Director was going to walk into my store and inspect every little nook and cranny. He didn't but he did have a lot of helpful suggestions.(I worked from 7am-9pm last night and i was back in the office at 7:30 am today. Not fun!) So, what I didn't plan on doing was having a sandwich worth 16 points. Corner Bakery offers a Green Chile & Chicken Sandwich -made with all-natural jicama slaw, diced tomatoes, white cheddar cheese and roasted garlic mayonnaise. It doesn't sound so bad. When I got back to my office I looked up the nutritional facts and O-M-G! And to be honest, it wasn't that great. I had a better 7 point sandwich at Subway last night!

Cooking is not a strong point for me. I've lived in a household where Mom has cooked all my meals since I was a child. (Yes, I know that must sound terrible). Our meals usually consist of meat or chicken, lots of rice and possibly beans. Now that I am changing the way I eat, it's hard to walk in and expect a healthier option. She won't cook with olive oil, she won't stop frying things, the sweet bread/croissants don't stop, our cereals are: lucky charms, cookie crips, frosted flakes, trix.. ahh! I can do this. I bought a Weightwatchers cookbook in hopes that I can start cooking my own food. I have to learn one day, right? All I know how to make now is chicken (on a George Foreman Grill) and that's about it. I don't know how much seasoning to add to things, I'm not like my Mom :(
She's awesome. Makes something amazinly delicious out of nothing.

The 16 point sandwich. It does look like a lot of points!

Throwing up in Chinatown

Like the title of this post states, I was throwing up as I walked down the streets of Chinatown. I didn't realize my body would react that way... My bf, his brother, bestfriend and I all headed to a beer festival at Union Station! We had a good time. Then we got the bright idea to go eat... in Chinatown. At first, I thought, great! I love Yang Chows! I didn't realize I'd pay for it later. We ordered, 2 orders of Slippery Shrimp (THE BEST!), 2 orders of Yang Chow rice, shredded beef in spicy garlic sauce and sweet and sour chicken. I didn't eat as much as I used to--I would normally have seconds, this time, it was just one plate... And I stuck to water.

As soon as I walked out of the restaurant, I felt queezy. I felt like I was about to pop. I stopped 3 times to release what was bugging me! 3 times! I tend to forget that I haven't been eating this way for the past couple of weeks and when faced with a decision, I am having trouble saying no. I look at the progress I have made and I know I don't want to gain 10lbs back! I really don't. It will take a lot of will power to be able to say to all the tempting food that's around me. For instance, I got home Saturday night to find 2 bags of freshly baked Mexican sweet bread! Really? Don't my parents know what this does to me? I wish they would help, but this is how they have been eating for years. It's normal in our household to have coffee and a piece of sweey bread at 10 o'clock at night... we have never seen anything wrong with that. And when my mom was complaining about her weight last night, I told her that we have to cut out all that sweet bread! She just smiled and shook her head. Some things won't change. (Yes, I did have one piece of bread for a whopping 6 points! OUCH!!!!)
 

I need to learn that I can't eat like I used to. My body is going to react to what I put in it. My family isn't going to help, I have to make these changes on my own and not really expect anybody to feel bad for their food choices.  

Pan Dulce - Mexican Sweet Bread

I am also including this picture. This was yesterday. I'm down a little over 9lbs, after this week that number may change... While I was getting ready, my mom said, "Paola, you can see your belly. Wear a shirt that covers it"... Ummm, No mother, I'm fat and trying to do something about it. I feel comfortable. After looknig at this picture, I can see what she is talking about. I can see progress though. I see it in my face, in my body. It won't happen overnight and I don't expect it to.. something I do, but that's the type of weight loss I was used to.

My Nemesis!

I was confused when my team member walked into my office today and said, "We have LUNCH!". I said to her, "Umm, yes I do, upstairs" ( I repeated this about 3 times... then she disappeared for a second and brought over 2, not 1,2 Large boxes of my nemesis... PIZZA!

I tried to resist. I couldn't. It smelled so good. I thought of only having one piece, to get rid of the instant craving. As I walked over to the box and reached in, I grabbed TWO slices. I paid for it about an hour later. I could feel my heartburn acting up. It's a burning in my throat that I can only take for so long. I popped 2 Tumbs and the pain went away. --Note: another reason I decided to take this one was because of my heartburn. I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I couldn't breathe. My throat would burn and eventually I would throw up what I had eaten throughout the day. Not sexy! Usually I could see a black film of some kind and everything had to come out for me to feel okay again. This went on for a few months. And I must say, haven't happened since I starting WeightWatchers!-- I can't let this keep on happening to me.

I love what  Sheryl said on twitter after I ate my slices of pizza, "@PaulyBeariver don't consider that "no willpower". That sounds negative. It's just life! acknowledge it move on,it could have been worse! :)"  ,I love her advise. Because I can dwell on the fact that I ate those two slices and eat shit for the rest of the WEEK or I can acknowledge it and MOVE ON!!! I am moving on! (Please check out her blog , she's an awesome blogger). Her comment made me feel better about the whole pizza thing. Thank you Sheryl. Now I gotta get going, must go to the gym and get some cardio (and miles for #OctGTD) in.

My body is changing a little at a time...

Yesterday I met with Sanar. She is a personal trainer at 24 Hour Fitness. When I upgraded my membership on Sunday, I decided to sign up take the "bargain" and pay $129 for 3 training sessions. I'm not too familiar with machines, except the elliptical, even then I shy away from new things at the gym. The Membership manager said Sanar would be the best if my focus is on weight loss and scheduled me in for Tues, Thurs, and Sunday.

I was nervous coming in because I had met with a trainer before many years ago and I didn't feel comfortable with her. She made me feel like being overweight was my punishment for eating so much and wasn't very nice - don't remember her name, she was from Bally Total Fitness. So, I'm waiting and she comes over with her previous appointment and gives me a big ol' smile. She introduced herself and starting chatting away about my goals. I felt at ease but I still wasn't sure how the appointment would go.

15 minutes into the training session and she had me laughing. I felt really comfortable and decided to give all her suggestions a shot. We did some Core work and let me tell you I was shaky! I have never done a Plank or a Superman! What is that? She explained misconceptions of weights and bulking up, showed me how to use some machines all while motivating me for a whole hour. She wrote everything down for me and told me to do this everytime I come to the gym. I didn't stay for cardio, I was too tired. I've been going to bed late because I'm wired when I get home!

The picture you see here I took today. I am starting to see small changes here and there. The biggest is my stomach. It's not hanging out as much as it did before. My upper body doesn't look so bulky. Slowly but surely I will get to my goal weight... right now, it's only to get down to 200... after that who knows. I've always been "bigger", I don't know how to be someone that's a healthy weight.

9lbs so far

I can't begin to explain how excited I am to have lost this much. I look back at my week and I know I made some bad decisions. I'm not perfect... no one is. I ate a 14oz steak this weekend and a chocolate lava cake. I think the difference is that I actually worked out both Saturday and Sunday. I do as much cardio as possible-- but really, I think it's just one BIG excuse to get out of the house. Things with my father have gotten worse and I dread going home. I really do.

When I was fighting with my dad, I noticed that I had to fight the urge to go to the fridge and grab something to eat. I wasn't hungry, I was upset. Upset because he doesn't understand me. One minute he is cheering me on, the next he is telling me how useless I am. So many times, I heard those words coming from him. It's a bipolar relationship. It's been like this since I turned 15. Over 10 years of emotinally scaring each other. I wish parents would realize that verbal abuse does affect you. A few months ago, I understood why I cried when my bf scolded me. My daddy issues tied into my eating. I didn't/don't really care about myself. He's gone as far as telling me that there is no man that would want to be with a woman like me. A lazy woman that just sits on her ass all day- i have to admit, I didn't move around much.

So... this turned into me venting about my dad. Geez! Feels good.

21 Things about me

Today, I was inspired by Athletecomback to share 21 things about me. Many people don't know but I don't welcome new people very well. I try and I have to admit I have gotten better throughout the years. So here's a bit about me:

1- I can't save $ to save my life.
2- I don't have a relationship with my sisters.
3- I sometimes sit in my office and wonder what the heck I'm doing with my life. (I'm 26 and haven't really figured things out... I manage a store but that's not all I want to do.)
4- I snore like a bear.
5- My boyfriend has a few nicknames for me, Mousy-Doggy-Lobster-Polar Bear (I love him so much)
6- I am very insecure around other women.
7- I have an A carved into the left side of my left ankle. (I was young and "in loev")
8- I'm messy! VERY messy!
9- I talk to myself when I'm alone.
10- I lose my tweezers all the time.
11- My brother has been diagnosed with Autism and mild retardationg (he is 10).
12- I don't wash my car very often, I probably should. It's always dusty!
13- I don't do onions. I hate the taste, smell and even the sight of them!
14- I scribble when I'm on the phone and there is pen and paper in front of me.
15- I need to hugged sometimes.
16- I'm not a good role model for my siblings. (I lived hard and fast when I was young)
17- I don't finish things I start. Trying to work on that!
18- I get scared easy yet I love to tell scary stories and watch Ghosthunters =)
19- I need to have my phone at least 2 feet from me at all times! I'm addicted to my phone! Or like my pops says, I'm a slave to my phone.
20- I like to make plans. I need to know what I'm doing and when I'm doing it... I guess it's part of what I do at work.
21- I don't want to go to my 10 yr HS reunion. I didn't like many people in HS.

So there you have it, 21 things you didn't know about me and not sure if you want to know.

Paula

Lay-offs & Gorditas

Last night I found out that my boyfriend got laid off. I received this call 30 minutes into my Zumba class…  I went outside and talked to him for a bit. After that I started to drive home. I stopped about half way and turned around. I needed a way to stop thinking about what had just happened. I went back to the gym. By then the class had ended but I got on the stationary bike. Still NOTHING… so, I moved on to the Elliptical machine- I pledged to do 75 miles this week, I better get to it. I must say that it did help. I did an hour and accomplished to add 4.3 miles. Later that night I sent my boyfriend a video making a goof of myself, it made him laugh. =)

This morning as I was leaving, my dad said, “Que te vaya bien Gordis”. For those of you that don’t speak Spanish, that means, ” hope your day goes well fatty”. I know, the translation is worse than it really is. I started to think, I don’t want to be called that anymore. I don’t want to be known for being the FAT girl in the family. All my life I have grown up with skinny athletic cousins… of course, I would get the occasional, “Don’t you wish you were like your cousin” from my uncles. F- That! In my home its okay to say Gordita or Gordis. My dad says it to every one of us, that doesn’t make it right thought. Yes, I am fat but I don’t want name used as a term of endearment. Now, how do I tell my dad? I’m not sure how he would take it since I’ve been like this my whole life! I guess we’ll have to wait and see…

tumblr issues

I will try my best to get all my posts on this site. I couldn't take tumblr anymore! I like this site so much more already! tumblr blog